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"souls meet, they react and change, different traits leaving different footprints, if only one could complete"

had an interesting conversation with a mate about how each one of us carry different traits. been thinking about it since last night and just had to pen my thoughts down. things happen, shit happens. we meet so many different people, each one offering or leaving a different imprint on our lives. some leaving a minute grain of sand, some a crater the size of Haleys. Impacting and changing major life decisions. Turning the course of our lives sometimes as a permenant change, scarring us deep inside, that the post traumatic stress never seems to disolve.

during the conversation we came to a conclusion that both of us would like to end up with someone we really trust, who will be there for us, to catch us when we fall, who understands all of everything there is to understand. that one person that would plaster a smile on your face, that makes the worse situations look like perfect bliss. a soulmate my mate said.

sappy romanticness aside, being the person that I am, I never thought something such as a soul mate could exist. from all the women ive been with, each had something different to offer, each made me feel differently. so many times i wished i could pluck different bits from each one of em and placing em together to create this perfect person, maybe not perfect to the world, but perfect to me. someone whose imperfections i would look over. my heart sought for this person, my head telling me better that how could something logically exist? it just wasnt possible, as each one of us is a different individual.

"the stains on the sheet, scream your name, you fill me beyond my dreams"

a freight train travelling at 80miles an hour, it hits me. i fall so deeply in love, turning my world upside down inside out. making me jump over the moon. this one person, love?infatuation? lust? is it her hair, long and lucious? could it be her smile, sweet as an angel? could it be her scent, that drives me wild with lust? what is it thats made me fall? me of all people, the playa has seemed to be played. whipped beyond imagination. is it possible that me, the person who always believed that love is what you make of it, how u adjust and give in, what u give a girl to make her go crazy for u, could this very person have lost all sense of control and feeling, having emotions run through my veins like wildfire, a toxic tonic of love and pain, filling my heart.

could I have found my soulmate? the one that makes me happy beyond my dreams?

My head says however that its only because i want it that i feel this way. my heart says otherwise. my head tells me that the minor problems and tiffs that we have are signs of greater lurking issues that will suffice later. my heart says fuck it, and dive into it. cause thats what the thrill is all about innit? loving like u have never been hurt before.

I dont really care what my head says, its only trying to protect me, from the same post traumatic stress that I have experienced a long time ago, so I cant really blame it. Basic instinct i reckon, a protectionism method.

"teardrops on lillies, that fill my heart"

I do know, I love her very much, I want her to be my companion, the one that goes through it all, I want nothing but her happiness, even if it means it has to be without me, whatever happens, happen for a reason.

I want her to be my soulmate.

till then...

out in the open

i cannot take it, i am going mad. my need to proclaim to the world, that one person has brought me so much joy, it is uncontainable.

i need to say, i love her more than life itself.

my everything.

for a reason

Sometimes people come into your lifeand you know right away that they were meant to be there,they serve some sort of purpose, teach you a lessonor help figure out who you are or who you want to become.You never know who these people may be;your roommate, your neighbor, professor, long lost friend, loveror even a complete stranger who, when you lock eyes with them,you know that very moment that they will affect your life in some profound way.And sometimes things happen to youand at the time they seem horrible, painful and unfair,but in reflection you realize that without overcoming those obstaclesyou would never have realized your potential, strength, will power of heart.Everything happens for a reason.Nothing happens by chance or by means of good or bad luck.Illness, injury, love, lost moments or true greatness and sheer stupidityall occur to test the limits of the soul.Without these small tests,if they be events, illnesses or relationships,life would be like a smooth paved, straight, flat road to nowhere.Safe and comfortable but dull and utterly pointless.The people you meet who affect your life and successes and downfalls you experience, they are the ones who create who you are.Even the bad experience can be learned from..Those lessons are the hardest and probably the most important ones.If someone hurts you, betrays you, or breaks your heart, forgive them,for they have helped you learn about trustand the importance of being cautious to whom you open your heart.If someone loves you,love them back unconditionally,not only because they love you,but because they are teaching you to loveand opening your heart and eyes to thingsyou would have never seen or felt without them.Make every day count.Appreciate every momentand take from it everything that you possibly can,for you may never be able to experience it again.Talk to people you have never talked to before,and actually listen,let yourself fall in love,break free and set your sights high.You can make of your life anything you wish.Create your own life and then go out and live it, cause you never know what you have, till its gone.

Do I deserve this?

I stand on a ledge,
Looking back,
Looking down,
My time is short,
I want to go underground,
Bury myself away from it all.
I push myself away,
Afraid of what is to come,
My heart is fragile,
Should I trust it to you?
My soul is weak,
Should I succumb it to you?
Glory we share,
Sadness asphyxiates us,
Why do I do this to you?
Why only you?
I think,
I want freedom,
But I love the misery.
Smother me.
Love is pain,
I shout.
Pain is love,
I scream.
A candle is lit,
Prayers chanted,
The crimson skyline,
Paints my soul.
You are enchanting,
You are so good for me,
Just like anything good,
You have to be bad.
I love you,
Like water I need.
I feel like you will drown me.
Consume me,
No other.
The words you speak,
In anger,
Reverberates in my ear,
Scarring my heart.
Do I deserve,
The joy you bring?
The sadness that entails?
Do I deserve this?



adrianpaul 09102009

found

There's always going to be that one time in my life, when I'll give you a rose,Maybe it's because I love you. Maybe, i'm just messing with your head…Maybe all I want to do is remind you of all the fucked up things you've done to me.And that all I want in return is that tear in your eye that says, "I'm sorry... will you let me go?"



But roses are red… Violets are blue,But roses are still red...



You were my rose you know?An orgasmic rose, that dripped with the blood that gushes from the life of my soul,and that little spark of sustenance I used to hold on to, a thoroughbred love between just you and me…So much that I have had the little smile on your face and the twinkle of rays that catch in your eye, scarred deep in the tinkling colours of the cones in my retinas.But I stand here today, a new man.Oh a new man indeed.

Do I really need to explain myself?From all the possible sexual means that, perversely, everyone seems to use to stereotype a man.Do I really need to tell you that all I want in a relationship is the infatuating love of a guy or girl deep in my life?That I crave so much more than just the mere lanky tale of SEX…Oh no, I stand here a new man… with a new rose.For this rose, I give to only the one that I learn about… The one that I learn has learned to love me.Maybe this time, I'm ready to give a rose, for the right reasons…Oh of roses… One of God's putrid allegory for a painful or even happy love…Gloriously crimson upon the lips on which I dream of kissing at night but a tad bit a trope of ebony black on evil and twisted souls… And to think the psyche of all that is flawless would be seen in the one I dream of…Red roses in life? I think still prefer the lemons that life brings me...

white roses on her grave

Been pulled apart,
Every memory that we’ve had,
All that you can do,
If only you realized,
What I know,
That no one makes us,
The way we do.
It’s never going to be that simple,
What am I to do?
There’s no love,
Say it isn’t so,
She comes,
She goes,
Don’t tell her,
That I miss her.
She would die before I crawled,
Deep inside her.
The dark came out,
The present becomes the future.
I am crazy.
She’ll feel guilty,
When there is nothing left.
I’m crazier when she’s not there.
I’ll feel guilty,
When there is nothing left.
I’m craziest when she’s there.
She takes me down,
She lifts me up.
Why does she have this prerogative?
Why over me?
Is it love?
It turns itself into knives.
Cuts right through.
Here we are.
Contradictions span everything I see,
Biasness blinds my eyes.
There is no shame in insecurity.
Alone I wait for her.
Every night, with all my plans,
I let all good things go to waste.
My heart to let go, please,
You are the light of my life.

adrianpaul 02092009

I ponder what may become,
In the darkness of my heart,
My soul feels numb,
My love in grace departs,
How can we ask for more?

Its not that we are scared,
The look in your eyes so utterly fragile,
From the moments in joy and sadness that we shared,
My mind remains transfixed at being agile,
Why would we cry at all?

I might not trust my heart,
I may not know what I want,
The times we are apart,
My love I desire to flaunt,
Why would you fill my ruefulness?

Eternity could never gratify,
My need to have you,
I only pray and hope you ratify,
In my head with this picture you drew,
How can I ask for more?

There is no hero on her canvas




adrianpaul 24082009

standing 6 feet under

"All the art of living lies in a fine mingling of letting go and holding on." Henry Ellis

We hold on to different things. we pick them up as we are raised and nurtured, somethings forcefully whilst others willingly. We spend our entire lives trying to figure ourselves out; whats in store for us and before we even remotely know it, we reach the end.

"Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment." Buddha

6billion people on the planet. each with his or her own goals, aspirations, ambitions, desires. We are all uniquely individual yet reliant on one another. We could survive alone, but would find it hard imagining it.

"Happiness, contentment, the health and growth of the soul, depend, as men have proved over and over again, upon some simple issue, some single turning of the soul." George A. Smith

Turning to what? What gives us contentment with what we have? Because of our unique individuality, wouldn't that leave us with 6billion different definitions of what makes one happy? The point is, its entirely subjective. Succumbing oneself to age old traditions and rituals might make one content, with the belief that life is only a passing, due for greater eternal things. Living together with all the seven deadly sins might make another happier.

"Almost every wise saying has an opposite one, no less wise, to balance it." George Santayana

Balance. To me is everything we are. Everything we are made to be. Understanding that civilization is linked to everything else in our realm, is the other. Learning to macro control things for the betterment of each unique individual.

till then..

a significant thought

the following story is not intended to resemble any fact. any characters, situations, and/or experiences are entirely fictional.

The shearing light protrudes his bedroom window. waking him from a slumber that never felt good anyways. Laden with nightmares. Nightmares that he has only experienced one too many times before. He sits by the side of his bed, inoculated by his own thoughts, not sure what to do next. Its a familiar routine for him. Every morning. Only for a month did begin to start feeling fine, and then it all came tumbling down again. His emotions sit in a stir, not too sure what he could say or when he could say it, let alone how is he to say it. She meant everything to him, she gave him a renewed joy in his heart, she brought back feelings he hadn't felt for years. She was so close, yet so far. He glances at her picture by his bedside, not many have had the privilege of being in his room, not many knew he filled it with memories of her. Memories he just cant seem to go back too anymore, yet he cant forget. He was hurt, beyond all doubt. Never before like it. He thinks he deserves it, for all the pain he caused. does he? why else would she do this to him? put him through this? does it make her happy? maybe he thinks, cause he never says anything, not wanting to hurt her. She doesn't have the faintest idea how much she means to him. she doesn't have the smallest glimmer of knowledge how he longs for her, to treat him right. She doesn't know how he weeps himself to sleep every night, to a point, that these days the tears don't seem to fall. he is swallowed by sadness, guilt and hysteria. He keeps everything to himself, and maybe that's why, he feels so jaded. maybe he needs prayer. maybe he needs purpose. maybe he needs his own soul. he only hopes that one day she realises, just how much, how deeply, how madly, in love he is with her...


till then...

an old beginning

at no point before have I felt as low or helpless as I do now. a crossroad indeed. I guess that's the main reason I want to pen this down, a lesson, reminder. The things we want in life differ depending on the stages one goes through. For the sake of lets say love, should one forgo all forms of joy, in order to relay undying forms of this emotion? is that martyrdom? Will it work? We spend so much time chasing after minutest forms of human pleasure, which I wonder, if we even really need? Does it really give one the fulfillment one needs from life? That varies once again. With so much ambiguity from everything in life, whats the point? we learn, we live, we learn, we move forward, where does it end? i am ever so tired. yet i have to be strong, for everyone, someone, no one, who gets affected by everything i say or do. I am under a watchful eye. for the first time, in a very long time, Lord help me. Theism seems apparently needed, when one faces no other options. food for the soul someone once said. a soul that's running on empty. the more I have the emptier I feel. Why? How? Who knows...I wish I don't wake up. God I believe loves me for who I am, I could be wrong, cause if He did, I doubt I'd be writing this. I owe you so much, I'd be indebted to you for life.

Here I come to find myself,
catch the tide
Looking for a peace at the end of the line.
Sometimes I can't help myself,
fever's high
I'm all at sea
and so unwise.

I'm so afraid
I'll lose your love as time goes by
But courage is a fire
and a beacon so bright.
The sunset built a melody,
our love sound
And we come alive.

Will I wash away,
turning like the storm?
I need a place where I belong,
Call a setting sun, to throw me down a rope.

I close my eyes,
I know you're there,
love of mine
Standing on the shore
in a world I design.
The sunset fires a lonely flame
into the sky
And we say good
bye.